evil eye

I wrote this in response to a prompt on a private Facebook group, and Peter asked that I post it here so that he could share it. We were talking about the Evil Eye, the deeply and widely held folkloric belief that a curse can come from a glance, a particular way of looking and seeing. This is what I wrote on that topic:

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The first thing that comes to mind with this is what I think of as “The Look.” I am autistic, and when I was young, this cameI wrote this in response to a prompt on a private Facebook group, and Peter asked that I post it here so that he could share it. We were talking about the Evil Eye, the deeply and widely held folkloric belief that a curse can come from a glance, a particular way of looking and seeing. This is what I wrote on that topic:with some physical disabilities that I have since outgrown. When I was little, I was immediately and visibly apparent as a different sort of human. I have this as part of my experience and understanding of the world: I am different. As an adult, I’ve outgrown the more apparent markers of my neurological status, but there is still something about me that is apparently delectably “off”. I am reminded of this every time I get The Look. I’ve talked about this with other neurodivergent people, and they all understand what I mean,

The Look is what a new acquaintance gives when they pick up on my differences. They might have been addressing me as an equal, as a presumably normal human being, and then the tone shifts. There’s a pause. A shift. An expression, a look, sometimes at me, sometimes exchanged between people in a group, a look that says “Oh. You are not like us.” There is pity, revulsion, fear, awkwardness - some mix of those things. If they are polite, they will try to hide it, though many people are not polite. The tone of the exchange shifts and there is new distance between us.

Not everyone does The Look, but I have learned, sometimes the hard way, that once it happens, there is no point in trying to get close to that person. If I don’t get The Look, we usually become friends. It doesn’t happen that often. There have been times in the past where I have tried to move past The Look, where the other person has seemed sincerely interested and appreciative of me and tried to make friends. It never works out. If I try to get past it, it turns on me, because I start to see myself the way they see me. Deficient. Disabled. Not a whole neurodivergent person, but a failed neurotypical. I am old now, and I have learned that it is never worth it to try to move past that.

Looking at this dynamic through the lens of the Evil Eye, I can see it as a form of curse cast at me. Not necessarily with evil intent, but to an evil result. I think most people aren’t even aware they are doing it, but by giving me The Look, they are casting me in a role that I am not interested in playing. If I accept it, then I am casting that curse on myself. 

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I wrote this on the Facebook post from my own perspective as a neurodivergent person, but I don’t think it’s limited in any way to my own situation. I think we all can be cursed or blessed by the way people see us. Our self-image is never the same as how others see us, and that’s not a problem until we allow harmful images of ourselves to be projected back to us. The adult who reverts to a child when they are around their parents, the recovering addict who reverts to self-harming behavior when he gets around the wrong friends, the girl who hates her body when she is told that she is ugly - these people are being harmed by being too wide open to others’ looks. Similarly, we become better versions of ourselves when we are around people who see us as beautiful, smart, strong, capable. We become what we are seen as, so it’s wise that the ancestors have warned us about the power of a look. 

I’m not saying that we should surround ourselves with flatterers or reject any perspective on ourselves that doesn’t build up our self-esteem. Self-awareness is an ever-unfolding process, and having people around who will call us on our shit is valuable, too. I’m mindful, though, of the power of The Look and its influence. 

I’m still feeling my way around this idea, because I haven’t thought of it this way before. It’s not about avoiding those people who see us in ways we would rather not be seen; it’s about understanding their power so we can find effective ways to meet it.